Heavy Chin

I was feeling downtrodden earlier this week. Feelings of not-good-enough-ness were crushing me. I was working hard and getting seemingly nowhere. My job seemed to be lacking freedom.

Now that I'm feeling better, it's a good time to remind myself of a few things of which I am proud/grateful:

• I made it through a ballet class last night. I wore pink tights, a black leotard, a ballet skirt, and legwarmers--the whole get-out. I did not feel like a twenty-five-year old has-been, and that alone was invigorating.
  
• I ran not one but TWO decently stimulating discussions with my students today.
• I smiled and laughed at school multiple times throughout the day. (i.e., I let go of control enough to enjoy my students, who are quite funny.)
• My pant waistbands are feeling a little loose.
• The final draft of my short story is on the eve of completion.
• I remembered that I still have decent chops on the piano and that playing and learning new pieces is something I can do.
• Leif's dad brought me some chocolate back from Norway.
• New CDs came in the mail today (Beck, among them!).

I hope that I can stretch this feeling of gratitude through the weekend.

Panorama

Okay, I admit it. I was wrong. I need dance in my life and I will never deny it again (probably).

These past few weeks have been slightly grueling: shin splints, weekend practices, sweaty, sweatier, sweatiest. Jump jump jump again, "Let's run it from the top again." NO! Please, for the love of god, no!" But we performed "Panorama" last night. It went very well. Glad to have a break from the piece.

I've felt like more of a whole person lately--everyone at school (mainly faculty) keeps saying, "I didn't know you were a dancer. There's this whole other side of you." Just this morning, one of the math teachers said that as I was putting my lunch in the community fridge.

Not that I should put too much stock in polite hallway banter, but these comments have helped me come to realize that I DO leave most of myself at home when I go to school and try really hard to stick to my teacher self, with my teacher face and my teacher do's and don'ts. It's an intentional thing--it helps me stay professionally separated from the kids (no insider info into my personal life, no sexualized comments, no talking about drinking, etc.). Especially since I'm still getting told that I look like a student.

I've also stayed cordial but detached from most of the faculty aside from the English ladies and a few others, as well. I don't know if this is as intentional as much as me being more comfortable on the fringe, or whatever.

It's not that any of that will change much now, but I've felt a shift in my behavior--in the way I relate to the students, mostly. It may be a function of having honors kids that don't need hand-holding, but my rapport has extended over to the freshman, as well. I joke more with them, I smile, I let things be a little looser--I try not to hold the reigns too tight. And you know what? Nothing bad happened. In fact, their personalities come out more (or so I think). The entire atmosphere is more enjoyable, participation levels are high.

Now that I think about it, it's in accordance with what appears to be the natural order of things. If I'm less defensive, bored, and stressed, THEY will be less defensive, bored, and stressed.

I guess I can thank Springboard for that as well--especially since the sophomores get to analyze Bend It Like Beckham for this unit. But I'm still hitting them severely with grammar.

Speaking of severe beatings, I'm off to ballet class.