stargirl

I don't want to go to ballet today. I'm eyeing the clock: I've got about 28 minutes to sit around before I need to get dressed. IF I'm going to go.

Pros of going:

• I'll get my blood flowing and warm up so this house won't feel so drafty and unfriendly.
• I'll be doing what I said to myself that I would do at the beginning of this week.
• I'll be getting exercise, and that will make me feel pleased with myself and competent in life.
• I'll be working toward toning up my dance technique.
• I like Miss Susan, the teacher. She makes me laugh.
• I can't waste time on the computer if I'm in dance class.
• I'll eat a healthy portion for dinner, which will counterbalance my chocolate snack and the two slices of greasy Gatti's pizza I ate at the faculty meeting today.
  

Cons:

• I'll have to get up and take off this wool blanket, and that will be cold and uncomfortable.
• It will take such a large chunk of time out of my evening that I probably won't grade a single paper, I'll cook/help cook/eat dinner later than I'd like to, and that will be uncomfortable.
• I'll probably have to sit in traffic on the way.
• Initially, I'll have to go against what my body wants to do after a school day, which is to lie down and be quiet. And that will be uncomfortable.
• I'll have to put on a leotard. Uncomfortable.

I'm noticing a trend in my habitual thinking.


I see why therapists make people write lists. I was feeling damn sure I wasn't going to class when I started writing, but those pros just kept flowing, and I had to work pretty hard to list the cons.

I hate to admit it, but I think a big reason I came home and ate chocolate today and felt a little sorry for myself was because I got embarrassed at my department meeting today. My department head was asking me why I never went and got a new DVD player from the librarian, and I had absolutely no recollection of that particular email exchange or conversation, and she said "that's what scares me." She was kidding, but in front of the rest of the English teachers, she said, "You need to quit smoking so much dope!" And that took me aback so much that I had no comeback or brush off remark because everyone was looking at me and laughing, so I just kind of laughed it off and looked confused. She also told me a while back when we were on a plane together that she either used to think or thinks that I'm ditzy. What a choice adjective.

This goes back to that childhood nerve that I'm "spacey" or "a space cadet," and it makes me feel like people think I'm stupid or dense. Or that I'm naive and I don't pay attention to my surroundings. I hear my old dance teacher's voice, or my fourth grade English teacher. I was always daydreaming, always mulling over something, or trying to figure something out when I was supposed to be doing something else.

I guess it's a fair assessment of me--the truth is that I don't pay enough close attention to the present moment at things like meetings (especially if we're going over detailed protocol) because I have too much on my plate and I'm afraid of keeping track of details--I suck at it. I'm still figuring out how to manage a to do list. But I think I'm doing a pretty great job at teaching. Nevertheless, I always walk out of department meetings feeling overwhelmed and not good enough. This is mostly because I'm sitting in a room of people who are so experienced and talented, but also because we discuss what we need to be doing in the coming months, and I don't operate well if I focus on too large a time frame.

Anyway, I hate it when people look at me like they're surprised that I don't KNOW something already, like what? How can you not know that?

I have to go put on a leotard now. At least if I daydream during ballet combinations, Miss Susan won't make me feel bad, because as Scott The Choreographer so wisely put it, "It's just fucking dance."