Still

I haven't been sleeping very well. I haven't been particularly stressed, but I never got back into a proper schedule since the holiday. I am a person who gets lots of sleep, usually, but lately I just don't want to go to bed, and when I finally do, I can't fall asleep.

I guess it all started last week with those three hour evening dance rehearsals. It was so jarring to my body that it couldn't relax enough to go to sleep afterward.

Last night I had a rehearsal that wasn't as strenuous, but when I got home at 10:30, I got that feeling: I don't want to go to bed yet! I'm not finished with today. I'm not ready to start tomorrow yet.

This feeling pops up almost every time I have a transition during the day. I'm not ready for the first bell to ring, I'm not ready for lunch to be over, I'm not ready to exercise or cook.

Most days, when I get home in the afternoon, I'll put the car in park and I find myself lingering before I turn the key and take it out of the ignition--especially if there's something good on NPR. From my "driveway" I can easily look up and see the top branches of huge trees swaying around, and on a sunny winter day like the ones we've been having this week, the sky's a dusty blue and the sun is just starting to get slanty. I sometimes wonder if the next door neighbor ever sees me sitting in the car--still running--with my sunglasses on, resting my head back against the seat. I was so tired Wednesday that I had a little daydream about staying and taking a nap right there. When I do take the key out, everything's muffled and silent. I thought today about how badly I wanted to sit in the stillness. That I must be craving stillness.

Sometimes there are moments of stillness when I'm standing right in the middle of the students and answering their questions (and that's the time when they all start talking to each other when they've previously been focused and/or quiet). Today in sixth hour, I worked with the freshman on subject-verb agreement. I asked,

"Does anyone have any questions?"

At this point, they were all talking to each other--some helping each other, a few talking about other things. Several of them raised their hands or said "I do."

S. said "I have lots of questions."

"You do?"

"But not about grammar."

I looked over at him. He was leaning back in his desk like always, totally calm and only mildly attentive. He's one of those kinds I don't nag too much because he's easy to engage--he's intellectually curious and one of the rare ones who isn't trying overtly to be cool or get attention, and he also doesn't mindlessly put pencil to paper before thinking about why we are doing a certain activity.

"Just about life." He smiled like he was amusing himself.

I had to laugh.

"Me too, S. Me, too."