Those Wheelers upset me

I guess I didn't post about it at the time, but it was a weird transition to come back from skiing. It didn't help that I read Revolutionary Road on the plane--a book that is at least partially about the mundane routines of suburban life that people fall into that keep them away from living their best lives or being their best selves. Every time we go on vacation, especially to a place that has a climate and lifestyle that we both enjoy and feel refreshed by, we question whether we really do want to be in the town we're in and the professions we're in; we wonder what the "next step" in our lives will be, and we basically feel unhinged in good and bad ways.

We are reminded that anything is possible in our lives, which feels both freeing and terrifying--not because we're scared of having options, but we're concerned about whether we're "settling" (Leif hates this word) or whether we want to be where we are. We both want to live in another place one day--"where?" or "why?" are questions I can't answer yet, except to say that we're interested in a lifestyle that involves walking to places, biking, hiking, good access to natural foods, microbreweries, snow skiing, white water rafting, and other cliche whitepeople activities. And I'd like to get an MFA one day, and Leif doesn't know what yet but he'd like to try out a different job eventually, and then we want to buy a house and have kids (yipes!) and some dogs and cats, and this big list is an example of why I can't think about this stuff too often. I'm overwhlemed by things like folding and putting away laundry, so you can imagine about how I feel thinking about all of this, even though these images are happy ones--things I actually look forward to.

People love to ask us why we aren't married and when we'll be married, and my honest answer is that we don't feel like thinking about it.

But, I do feel much better now after getting back into the swing of things at school and dance. I'm not sure why. Vacation is fun, but you start to feel like a blob with no use or motivation because there isn't anything to do except for walk around and spend money on food or souvenirs (if you're into that sort of thing). Or ski, in our case, but even something that challenging and exciting gets routine--there are only so many runs to do. (Not that we didn't have fun, because we did. It was lovely.)

I remembered something while I was standing around (ironically, not having a good time at all) during dance rehearsal last weekend--when I was a preteen, I imagined that one day I'd like to teach English at a high school or be in a dance company, and I'm doing both of those things right now. So even though I bitch sometimes, I'm doing things I chose to do, and they happen to be things that have always interested me. I need to try to remember to feel grateful for that more often.

In other (good) news, I got into the Tin House summer writing program in Oregon, so I get to do that this summer, as well as go on a trip with Leif and my family to see my Dad in Sarajevo! So, I guess I'm done for now with being upset over Revolutionary Road and wondering if one day I'll end up like April, barefoot in a house with nothing to do but dishes and ironing when I could have been a great actress. I think maybe it was just good literature that did what it was supposed to do. (Plus, I'm pretty sure I won't marry a bullshitter.)

I guess my life will just continue to get busier, if anything, and I'll have to continue to adapt and get more competent in handling it all and remembering to enjoy it in the process.

In the spirit of competence, I hope I can fit grocery shopping, lesson planning, showering, dining (and wining), and X-file watching into the rest of my Sunday.