The Piece We Don't Have

"Most of the time, we are so busy wanting the next thing, the piece that we don't have, that we don't allow ourselves to enjoy the one that's in our mouth. When we are busy focusing on what we don't have, we don't pay attention to what we do have.

Wanting is different from having. Wanting is in the future. It is based on an idea of what might make you happy in five minutes, tomorrow, next week. But having is here, now. Most of us don't let ourselves have what's in front of us, so we're always wanting more. When you don't let yourself have what you already have, you are always hungry, always searching, always restless."

Geneen Roth wrote this (about eating, and not about eating). I like it.

I started this morning out by realizing that I'd slept through tri class because I'd set my alarm for 7 for my Saturday bike ride (I rode 13.6 miles on Ang and Ben's roadbike!). The feeling of failure spiraled into feeling like I couldn't handle anything--to the point that making breakfast seemed tiresome. Or running an errand. I had the terrible feeling of things sliding downward and out of my control. I thought about my new classroom that I haven't dealt with--the boxes and the piles of furniture that only exist in my imagination because I haven't actually gone to see what's what over there. The feeling that it is too late for anything--that I have already slipped and it's too late. Written out, this sounds incredibly dramatic--it's a very subtle feeling I'm trying to describe here, but it's one that is pervasive in my life. It's a habit or an inclination. Disappointment in myself and fear that life will turn out to be one disappointment after the next.

Of course I'm scared that I won't be ready for the race. I do have plans today to do an evening bike ride and jog with Reid.

I'm also scared that I will be unhappy when summer is over and that I will let the stress of work take over my life (again). That there is a future of "no pleasure" waiting for me.

I signed up for this race because I wanted to do something out of my usual routine--to change the way my body feels and looks. I'd say it's working--I know I'm stronger than when I started. But I'm also hitting a mental rut--a loss of inspiration and confidence in myself. I need to just stop. Just stop and relax. The whole point of this is to feel good and have fun. Or to at least get in shape so that I can have more energy in life (and therefore more fun). Stop over-thinking, stop story-izing, stop worrying, and just do. Just do and be. And enjoy some part of doing and being. Enjoy what I already have, because it's the last time I get to be 27; it's the last time I get to live this day. There's no sense in crapping on it like it isn't worth anything. I know this to be true. I want to find the bravery in myself to make choices that are not motivated by the fear of disappointment.

Right now, I feel capable of drinking a glass of water, cleaning myself up, and making a grocery list. I'm going to focus on only those things and see how I feel after that.