It's Wednesday of my first full week of school. I may have run a triathlon, but my teaching stamina is down, down, down. Maybe it's all the explaining and lecturing I have to do in the beginning, but when I got home this afternoon, I had that run-down cold-flu feeling, and I know I'm not sick.
I meant to take a 15-20 minutes perk-up nap yesterday so I could do things I like, like go to yoga, cook dinner, and maybe even grade a few papers (I already have two giant stacks). I don't want to hem and haw about the fact that I have 165 students, because I've done it before and I can handle it again, but that's hard to remember right now. Anyway, I keep "meaning" to do things this week.
I'm so tired that it's getting in the way of feeling inspired and excited about the things I'm teaching. I know I'm doing a good job during the day, but I'm so wiped out and useless when I get home. Well, Monday I actually went for a run (I could feel myself getting antsy and looking for things to worry about), and it was really intense. But I felt great and actually realized it when I was lying on the floor in the living room afterward. It was my first post-school-day run. I was feeling capable, since one of my fears is that I cannot actually sustain both this job and a fulfilling life outside this job.
Then Tuesday, the little perk-up nap became a two-hour pass-out. I ate a bowl of red beans and rice and set an alarm--I can't even really say how this happened. It was a dark and rainy afternoon. Did I really keep hitting snooze for two hours? Maybe I turned my phone off entirely. I don't even know. I felt like a train had run over me when I woke up, but I still managed to cook dinner and sit and eat it with Leif at the table, which really helps me slow down and not only enjoy his company, but also, my food.
Today, I didn't want a repeat pass-out performance. I made a whey protein smoothie with milk, banana, and frozen strawberries (my recent favorite snack) and settled down to watch an episode of Kathy Griffin My Life on the D-List. Then, I was imagining that I would go for a run or go to yoga after chilling out for one episode. Instead, the episode starting buffering, so I paused it to let it load. Then I fell asleep for two hours. When I sat up at 6, I couldn't believe the time--I can't even remember falling asleep, and I'm only guessing about falling asleep because I paused the episode.
Leif is at some lengthy meeting because all kinds of things are happening at his company right now. I'm somewhat thrown-off when he doesn't come home--maybe I'm used to the accountability of another pair of eyes seeing what I'm up to. At any rate, I was hungry when I woke up, so I did an early dinner: put a salmon cake and some brusselsprouts on the stove. Then I had to give up my hopes and dreams of running and yoga, since neither works out very well after a meal. And it's round two of not opening my bag of papers. It's not like I have grand illusions of grading for hours at home (ulgh) but I though it'd be nice to get a class or two finished. Hell, I'm only "grading" first-day surveys and formal journals.
It's going to take some time to get back on my teaching feet and to feel a sense of balance. Right now, all I can handle is working my tail off by day and watching episodes of the D-list by night. I'm about to finish the latest season, anyway, so I'll be forced to either watch something else or actually read something. I dislike that I feel too tired to read. I find it odd that I teach English and I feel so far away from being excited and inspired about literature (or creative writing, for that matter).
I need to not be thinking about my entire life and lifestyle when I'm this wiped-out. All it leads to is a flip flopping conversation in my head about whether or not I picked the "right" career. And imagining that everyone who knows me is thinking that I should be doing something else. I do know that I don't like the habit of naps, for me--I don't like when big chunks of time go missing, I don't like trudging around the house feeling sorry for myself, and I don't like missing out on things I'd rather be doing. Apparently my body needs it, so I'm letting it happen, but I hope this is just a first-week thing.
1 comments:
i vote first-week thing. but they are addictive. but i still take them.
"But I felt great and actually realized it when I was lying on the floor in the living room afterward" this made me laugh.
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