Carry on, carry on

I went through what I guess was a bit of depression this week. It wasn't related to hormones, as far as I could tell. I think I was trying to decide how I feel about being back at school, back in a lifestyle that is mostly centered around working, and asking myself again, "Is this something I want to dedicate such a huge chunk of my time to?"

While this is an important question to ask, I'm not sure it's the very best question for me to focus on right now. This new idea came after visiting with my mom on Thursday. She was in town for a funeral, and we went to get coffee with my brother after school. It was fun, but I was in a terrible mood. It was obvious to her that there was something wrong, but I couldn't really put my finger on it myself. I feel like such a teenager when this happens--just sullen for no reason and hanging onto some vague feeling of being "wronged" or failing at something. Not even sure if I'm mad at myself or my situation.

Anyway, we had a nice time in spite of my mood, and when she went to drop me off, we sat in the car and talking for a while. I asked her if she felt that way when she was my age, and she said she had lot of other problems, but no, she wasn't like this about work. She said she remembers having this summer job where she was just typing data onto some cards--I guess some non-computer version of secretarial data entry. She said she remembers racing herself to see if she could beat yesterday's time of the number of entries she did. She doesn't know why she didn't hate and resent that job, but she just didn't. She said maybe it's a generational thing--there was a different kind of work ethic then. While this is a big generalization, it also seems true. When you grow up working class, you maybe don't have the expectation that your job should be the most perfect fit to you--you don't feel that sense of entitlement. You maybe just feel awesome that you're supporting yourself. My mom put herself through college (financially), and she was the only person in her immediate family to graduate from undergrad, or to even make it through a whole year of college. And she made awesome grades, too. She must have pulled this motivation from deep inside herself, because it didn't come from her parents or her environment or peers. I'm not sure I've really thought about this fact before now, because she doesn't really talk about it.

I struggle with motivation--I've never experienced the kind that my mom must have had, because I've never really been in a sink or swim situation like that, where you know you either decide to do something and make it happen by yourself or it isn't going to happen at all. I know it's not financially possible for a person to put themselves through college the way you could in the seventies. I'm also not sad that I've always had such a solid family support system. I've never had to fight for anything, really. As a result, I think I have a tendency to waffle about what it is I really want in my life. I feel incredibly lucky to have ended up where I am, and I also have kind of no idea how I ended up here or if I consciously chose my path. Which leads me to constantly ask myself, "Was this what I really wanted? What if I just followed the obvious steps society lay out for me and never busted out to do the thing I really wanted to do?"

I said maybe it's also a personality difference between us; she's more energetic and driven by results, I'm pickier about the process and the experience of the work, and I tend to be skeptical of my results. (And lazy/tired/overwhelmed.) She said that's possible, too. We didn't arrive at any conclusions, but I felt lighter after our conversation. This may sound like I'm just trying to be okay with where I am and ignore my insecurities, but it really did occur to me that I have already decided to show up at school for another year. I already decided to do this. The relevant question right now is: "How can I do the best job I possibly can, and figure out a way to enjoy something about my job every day?" There is so much possibility and I have so much control and choice about what I want to do with the kids. This is not something that is happening to me. I chose it and I continue to choose it--maybe it's because there is a part of me that just fears change. But there's also a big part of me that wants to excel at it and knock it out of the park. Because there's a huge symbiotic benefit between the kids and me when I do happen to hit it out of the park. Mom did say, "well, maybe this isn't the right job for you long term." I guess the jury's still out on that one, because I don't know what any other job is like, really.

A big part of our conversation was about how tired I feel all the time--it's like I get home and I feel so tired, so I get on the couch with my laptop and go into a haze that just stretches on into the evening (unless I have somewhere to be, like dance or yoga). Then I get into a habit, so that every weekday becomes work and laptop, and I start getting mad that I'm not doing things I want to do in life, like read good books, hang out with friends, play piano, write stories, decorate our house, or even do my ironing! I was telling Mom about this, and she said my generation seems to have a bad habit of coming home and just getting on our laptops (which are addictive, so then we never get off our laptops). She said she does like to watch her soap opera when she gets home, so she understands needing that chill time, but she says she knows that if she starts doing that before she does other things like go for her walk or do some housework, then she'll just lose all energy to do those things. She also said getting mad at myself for being tired all the time is only making it worse (which is so true). She said it's okay to feel tired--I'm not going to die. I can still do the things I want to do even though I'm a little tired, as long as I'm not going crazy and overloading myself.

This idea is very helpful to me right now--it connects with something Sue Miller, my writing teacher in Aspen, said to a girl in our class. The girl said she can only write when she feels a wave of inspiration and motivation. Sue said something like, "Well, you'll never write as much as you want to or need to if you rely on your mood to dictate when you write." Something like, "You need to get to a point where you just do it anyway--where it's something you work on and practice." That must have been extremely relevant for me, because this was three or four years ago and it has stuck with me.

The lesson for me seems to be that it all comes down to work ethic, every time. Every endeavor is about how much work you want to put into it--even things you want to "play" with benefit from putting some practice and some work into them. I know this from school--when I do my lesson plans ahead of time, I have a better week. I hate doing them, but then when I do them, I know where I want to lead the students, and this results in me having more focus and enthusiasm and motivation for what we're doing in class. I didn't do lesson plans last week because I was depressed about going back after labor day and--quite frankly--feeling like a victim of my situation, and as a result, I think I felt like I had one foot in and one foot out of my job. I was showing up every day because I had to, but I didn't really feel a sense of direction. I didn't feel a strong reason for being there. I asked myself if I really wanted to be there everyday. I was just trying to make it to a Friday evening drink.

Maybe it's a chicken and an egg thing: not that a person has to be motivated in order to work hard at something, but that working hard creates a feeling of investment which can convert to feelings of motivation. Coincidentally, motivation was one of those danger words in the Holmes program, particularly with Dr. Guillory. She said we should not view students as motivated or not--that we should be trying to engage them, not motivate them. I guess that's because you can't really control another human being's work ethic, but you can engage them in a conversation (or lesson). It's true that I have no idea what to do with a kid that is "unmotivated" to do work of any kind; I have no idea what to do with myself when I am feeling unmotivated.

Maybe accepting the blase feeling and carrying on in spite of it is the only thing to do. Maybe I'll find inspiration while I'm moving forward. The other option is to lie down and let the feeling intimidate and cripple me, which is what I'm in the general habit of doing. I'll do this thing where I think, If I just carry on through this feeling, I'm a robot going through the motions. But at least I'd be moving!

I will do my lesson plans today. I hate them, and I will do them. (Who do I think I am, trying to teach without planning, anyway?)
We'll see if that makes a difference in how I feel about this week. And I'll go ahead and say that one of my goals for the week is to devote some time to reading a book. And that I'll at least try out my ballet-workout DVD.