Meaty Ogre

I feel irreparably mediocre.

A few weeks ago, my dance director G gave me some feedback about the only section of the one dance in which I am on stage with one other dancer. We have a section that we dance together. The other dancer is tiny, agile, and very stylized. G told me (and I'm paraphrasing here, but it was basically this) that I look good, but I look like I'm "marking" (which means dancing half-ass just to get the movements memorized) because I'm so soft compared to the other dancer, who is more punchy. And she looks better. Thursday night I got the same critique from another dancer who was giving notes. She said she is more released in her upper body and that I basically need to dance more like her.

It's true that I tend to be super sensitive and to think that if I am not perceived to be perfect or at least very competent that I may as well quit whatever I'm doing. But I burst into tears trying to explain to Leif this morning (I have to leave for rehearsal in a few minutes) that I don't know if I can rise to the occasion and that I just feel so horribly mediocre at dance. I don't know why I made it into the company to begin with, because I haven't gotten any feedback from G that would indicate that she likes the way I dance. This is my third year. Maybe I think I'm more talented than I really am.

I know a big part of dance is blending in with other dancers to serve the overall look of a piece. I'm going to leave right now and go to rehearsal to try to do just that. I guess I'm scared to face the possibility that I might stick out--that I might look like the worst one. And it's just that nobody wants to say it to my face.

I guess I thought that this company would value something about my style and my artistry--about who I am as an individual dancer. But I'm not sure what they value about me. Why am I waiting to here the answer to that? Shouldn't I feel it in myself and radiate it or something? Why do I need to hear it from an authority figure or an outside source?

***

Rehearsal was fine except for when I was feeling really frustrated about wanting to dance more. It's not just that I want to be featured--it's that I want to physically move more. To learn more choreography and participate in more dances. I just want more. I guess I want to choreograph, too. But not being able to attend morning rehearsals has a lot to do with that issue. Also, the only week of the whole year that I went out of town was the week that the guest artist came in to set a piece.

I don't feel like bursting into tears anymore. I felt better after one of my friends talked to me about it and reasoned with me. I'm ready to enjoy the dances that I am in and to accept the show for what it is and to enjoy spending time with the other company members, because they are all really fun to be around. It's just hard not to get frustrated with how things are run sometimes. I can't control it. Either I accept it how it is or I quit. Ekhart Tolle says that ideally, a person can choose to leave in varying states of acceptance, enjoyment, or enthusiasm and to move always between the three. I could look at it as an ordeal to endure and accept it, or I could look at it as a process to mildly enjoy, or I could find moments in performance to feel energetic enthusiasm for the opportunity to do even one movement on a stage.